#12- Nostalgia

Let’s rewind for a moment

Where time ticks so slow,

Not a worry in sight

No thought deep rooted

We seem so small, but fearless we shall be.

Let’s run back to that place,

We’ll be tired from racing and chasing in parks

Promise we can tumble on hills,

Our belly’s will ache pure giggles

Patches of green on knees from being so free.

We can listen to our favourite song on repeat and sing carefree,

We can be together hand in hand, no rush no timing.

Hair dishevelled, rosy cheeked. Smiley ear to ear.

Let’s hide in that place.

#11 Smiling through Sleeplessness

Another sleepless night as the suns was shining a little too bright,

The heat leaves me restless, I’m tossing and turning.

I’m not complaining, I’m just laying.

One leg hangs off the bed in attempt to keep my cool,

Followed by the breeze between the silhouettes of trees.

My garden skyline, stands gloriously green.

The same trees outside my window which I’ve admired as a little girl,

The same trees I’ve gazed at through snow and make my home, home.

Things aren’t exactly how I wish but I’m practising my gratitude,

All I have to be grateful for; an overwhelming list.

It’s twelve fifty three and I think of all those I love,

resting their heads on their pillows,

resting before another fleeting day,

They’re peacefully laying in their little pockets they call home,

They’re safe, they’re content,

Their world pauses and I breathe easy.

My heart is fulfilled and my home is quiet,

All these people that show me love,

All these people that are my world,

Thank you.

#10 Happy Momma bear day

Happy Mother’s Day precious mumma, here’s a few thoughts I had whilst flying through the sky.

She has a smile that can light up a room
Forever the storyteller, the hostess with the mostest

The positive free spirit who holds us all together,

She’ll always say “Oh I can make that easily” when sitting in a restaurant,

The first to the dance floor saying “this is my favourite song!” (to every song)

She’s my best friend and she knows everything,

Her heart to heart services are always open, she cares for all

Selfless, she doesn’t even realise it…

Incapable of drinking a full cup of tea, 4 sips is all.

Age is nothing but a number, a bungee jump is on her bucket list

Elephant, sunset and sky obsessed

She’s taught me beauty is skin deep, a smile the greatest accessory

Momma sprinkles kindness wherever she goes, always open hearted,

Doesn’t like fancies, family time is all she asks

A globetrotting wanderer always seeking adventure,

She insists dreams are to be fulfilled, my biggest supporter.

And her love and hugs have the ability to fix all.

Thank you for being my inspiration Mumma and for teaching me so much. You make me believe anything is possible and things will always be okay if we have eachother.
Most importantly showing me how to truly love

#9 Bergen-Belsen

This evening I’ve returned home feeling upset and slightly hopeless even.

Today we visited the concentration camp and memorial in Lohheide (Northern Germany) called Bergen-Belsen. At least 50,000 died here in unfathomable ways. 

Amongst the 50,000 were children, mothers, fathers and grandparents. All of whom had hopes and dreams until their lives were destroyed. They were either kept on prisoner of war camps, or concentration camps. Many prisoners had been horrifically transported from one camp to be faced with another ordeal.

One of which prisoners, being Anne Frank. An excerpt of her diary entry described how she was led to believe nothing could be worse than Auschwitz where she had just been. 

Upon arrival at Bergen-Belsen she was deceived by hearing beautiful birds singing and spotted trees, completely unaware it was another camp and where she would later die.

It was strange when I walked around the cemetery. There were trees everywhere, the sun looked beautiful and there were birds tweeting. How could a place with such history seem so peaceful.

After walking around the museum and seeing collections of prisoners possessions, reading detailed accounts of happenings at the camp and mass graves my heart felt really heavy. 

I felt as though I couldn’t read or see anymore, but then I realised how that would be really ignorant of me. As learning about these historical events is really important. 

These feelings are the same I felt after visiting the Killing Fields in Cambodia where at least 1million Cambodians were massacred under the Khmer Rouge. It’s also how I feel after watching the news and hearing about what’s going on in many places of the world.

But what can I do? I can’t change anything. I admire those who are humanitarians and activists who are fighting for changes. I wish there was a button that could be pressed which would eradicate hatred and all things dark. 

These places leave me feeling incomprehensible, and I try and take what I can.

I’m reminded by how unbelievably lucky most are and how much we take for granted.

 A lot of us are rich, rich with health, rich with family and friends, rich with a roof over our heads, a job and more than enough foods and fancies. However it’s so easy to get caught up in the day to day and forget. 

Although I can’t do anything to change the evil that exists in the world, a small thing I can  do is be as kind as possible, grateful and continue to spread as much love. And to try to not complain about the most trivial of things, because things are actually really, really good.

I genuinely believe there is more good in the world than bad, unfortunately with media intercepting every moment with negativity, we’re led to believe the world is more awful than not. 

I guess all I can do is try, try my best to be as good as a person as possible, in all the little ways. Tonight I’m left feeling more grateful than ever.

Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love. 

-An inspiring Mother Teresa quote that my mum always reminds me of.

#8 Moments to remember

On Saturday we performed our shows to the company for the first time. We had a full audience! It was finally the moment to present our month of hard work off.

The nerves I felt before were overridden with excitement, I guess because it’s been such a while since I’ve performed I was more excited to get on with it rather than nervous.

It all went so well, we had so many laughs at so many unexpected moments. There were lots of bits improvised that weren’t thought of in rehearsals, but once infront of an audience and feeling the energy it felt perfect.

Nothing could beat the feeling I felt once we finished both shows and took our bows and everyone clapped. I was left full of adrenaline for quite a while and I was shaking with happiness. It’s like I was suddenly dancing with the stars and I felt so alive. I can’t really explain it, apart from knowing I was answering my calling.

Since then we’ve began touring in Northern Germany. I finally feel like I’m proud of myself and I’m remembering to measure all my small successes.

Small successes such as making an audience laugh lots this morning…and knowing that this is the first piece of live theatre for a lot of these children.

One thing I’m realising is how endearing and adorable six year olds can be.

After the show yesterday the children queued up for our autographs on little cards they had prepared for us.

A little blonde girl walked up with a grin on her face, however no piece of paper for me to write on. She then brushed her fringe out the way and handed me a green felt tip pen and pointed to her forehead. I said ink isn’t very good to skin so I couldn’t sign her forehead, unfortunately she then threw a tantrum and started crying.

However, they’re so sweet! Another child told me I had a really pretty singing voice.

There’s a scene in the play where I look out ‘at Sea’ through a telescope and the children are just amazed, they start waving back at me and get excited.

After a performance I was carrying parts of the set from the stage to load the van and a group of girls were following me back and forth.

‘Monica (my character) do you have a boyfriend?’

‘Monica what is your favourite colour?’

‘Monica do you like cats or dogs?’

‘Monica do you like Germans?’

‘Monica, do you like unicorns?’

‘Monica, how old are you?’- The question that gets the biggest reaction I’ve come to find.

One of the girls came and stood beside me, just to identify how much taller she was at a fraction of my age.

I’m loving everything so far and I’m trying to remind myself how lucky I am to be doing this.

(Especially needed when we have 5am starts!)

I’m sitting playing scrabble with a lovely bottle of €2 red wine and couldn’t be any more content.

#7 Deleke

The German adventure has begun!

For the first month I’m living in a beautiful house in a little village called Deleke. It’s decorated with endless pictures of deer, there’s lots of pretty crockery and everything seems to be a glossy mahogany,  but it’s homely. And homely is always the most important thing. 

A moment away from the house there’s an idyllic view of a huge beautiful lake; which I intend to explore over the weekend. It’s huge and I’ve been told it would take a couple of days to walk around, so I plan to walk it partially and stop off at the bird sanctuary en route.

Mum always says home isn’t a place, it’s a place within you that you carry around. It’s only been five days but I’m beginning to feel at home with the lovely people I’m with. 

I’m sharing the house with 7 other actors, all of which have their own quirks, charms, accents and ways of cooking. I’ve been kept laughing and I’ve felt looked after with cups of teas and lots of remedies whilst I’ve had a stomach bug. They even surprised me with a birthday cake at dinner and some flowers.

I’ve already decided I don’t like shnitzel or pork unfortunately..which rules out a large percentage of German cuisine. Finding chicken proved difficult in the supermarket, I’m already attempting to make lentils with the only two Indian spices I could find.

I can’t quite believe I was faced with the fear of driving our tour minibus on the first day. (Please note there are 5 other people in the minibus during my lesson and I’ve been travelling since 2am with no sleep and it’s now 6pm!) 

Considering I’m 5ft (+1sometimes) and I feel like the Clio I drive at home is big.. I didn’t breathe much throughout my driving lesson. It’s so confusing driving on the other side of the road, I kept trying to grab the gear stick with my left hand..however I kept hitting the door as the gear stick is on the right!

Just as I became a little more comfortable,  the instructor shouts, “Okay, autobahn autobahn now!” I look at him like a deer in headlights.. autobahn is the motorway! So I’m now driving at 100kmph like a minion, but I did it without anyone screaming, so I shall use that as a measurement of success.

We’ve been rehearsing from 9-6 and then we come home cook together and rehearse a little more. Today we blocked the first part of our first show and learnt 6 songs along with choreography. 

The production meeting where the set designs were discussed along with our costumes left me so excited to begin touring next month.

My favourite moment so far? When I spotted my headshot upon the board at rehearsals, titled ‘2017 Actors’.

Not so favourite moment? Setting a pan on fire in the kitchen today and nearly singeing my housemates eyebrows.

Prost! – (Cheers in German!) X

#6 Dreamer to believer

It’s freezing, it’s dark and dreary. I may have just walked through the murkiest puddle, missed my train and broken my umbrella… but I don’t care!

My smile is beaming from ear to ear and the spring in my step could bounce me off to Pluto. This….this is the feeling I’ve been chasing, and I’m going to cherish every moment of it.

I auditioned for an exciting theatre company in London last week and I don’t think I’ve ever wanted something so much with every fibre in my body.

Sitting at my desk earlier and my phone rang, it’s an unrecognised number, and the call is located from Germany.

My mind starts racing, my hearts beating like a drum.

“Hi Anita, its Michael. How are you today?”

Frantically, trying to pretend I haven’t been eagerly awaiting his call: “Hi Michael, I’m good thanks..erm..erm how are you?” (Breathe Anita you crazy woman, breathe!)

Softly spoken and calm as ever, Mike goes onto say, “Thank you for auditioning for the company last week, we would like you to join our Germany and France tour.”

“What! Sorry, what! Are you sure, oh my good god! You’ve just made me the happiest girl! This is crazy, are you sure? Me!” (-Ramble ramble, stop rambling Anita!! I’ve never been great at playing things cool).

“Would you like some time to consider the position?”

“Oh my god no, no need to consider! I’m a 110%!This is a dream! Do you know I dreamed about getting this part! Not once, but twice!!”

I’m so cringe, keeping calm has never been my forté. …Dear god, he must think I’m batshit crazy! Although, he was exposed to my ditziness In the audition as I was awful during the warm up games. I couldn’t catch for toffee with my nerves.. He even told me ‘I was a gift’ when I kept forgetting the rules of our first exercise. (Palm face)..

Who’d have thought I would get picked! I hoped and prayed I would, but didn’t believe it would happen. I was up against some unbelievable talent, people that had graduated from accredited fancy drama schools..but they picked me!

Time to treasure this feeling, for its the step I’ve been wishing, waiting and working for.

A month ago I was negative as ever, overwhelmed with self doubt..and now I feel on top of the world. I’m making a promise to myself now, to not unpick it, overthink it or be pessimistic.

After my audition I dreamed twice about joining the company..little did I believe the dream would come true..

Six exciting weeks of family, friends and festivities… and then off to Germany I go!

#5 Sunday

She was a little lost, but that’s the way she liked it

No maps to force her down a path she wasn’t ready to travel.

Open hearted; no thing as too much

Her heart was her compass, her only guide.

It was time to turn her cant’s into cans and her dreams into plans..

She was finally ready to trust that she could find happiness on her own,

To trust the magic of new beginnings..

 

#4 Creative dreams

“The arts are not a way to make a living, they are a very human way of making life more bearable. Practising an art, no matter how well or badly is a way to make your soul grow. For heavens sake, sing in the shower, dance to the radio, tell stories, write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possible can, you will get an enormous reward. You will have created something”.  -Kurt Vonnegut, A Man Without a Country.

I’ve had that quote saved for quite a while as it really resonates with me. Over the past month I’ve made a conscious effort to focus on allowing my creative spark to flourish, and quite honestly It’s left me feeling inspired and alive. It’s been so fulfilling to spend money on experiences that bring me joy, rather than materialistics.

Recently I’ve been to a jazz night, numerous art exhibitions, musicals, spent time singing and joined a theatre company.

When i’ve watched these shows i’ve sat in admiration of the performers giving it their all. You can see they’re doing what they love, and they’re pursuing a life of passion. 

There was a Brazilian guitarist and singer I passed busking one evening, and I don’t think they realised the difference they were making to peoples routinely walks. I saw people taking out their headphones, smiling in full appreciation. I had to double take and stop in my tracks, eagerly awaiting to hear the next verse. My point is, creativity can pass on happiness..

Personally I believe everyone has a creative spark. It just needs to be explored and then cultivated. For me, creativity is a platform for my imagination to run free and evokes feelings of joy. It’s easy to convince yourself there isn’t enough time outside of your 9-5, but an hour isn’t so hard to find.

To be pretty honest, I had been denying myself my path of creativity (performing), I’d unknowingly been caught up living in fear. Something that’s crept up and seamlessly taken up a negative space in mind. However, after reading the Alchemist (and many other hippy self help books) along with a lot of love and support from those closest to me, I’ve finally snapped out of the cycle and I’ve got the courage to pursue what my soul craves. 

Surround yourself with the dreamers and doers, the believers and thinkers, but most of all surround yourself with those who see greatness within you, even when you don’t see it yourself…-Edmund Lee

Who knows where my path will lead me, but since changing my mindset and deciding I’m going to abundantly chase my dreams, all these little things/kind people have been gravitating towards me.

Truly I believe the universe conspires to give you what you wish for once you channel those energies. I’m aware I sound rather fairy like, and of course I’m only at the beginning of my journey. However, I’m realising that patience (my biggest challenge), a positive mindset and persistence are key variables.

Let the journey of dreams and fulfillment begin…(excited face!)

She believed she could, so she did…-R.S. Grey

#3 I love…

I love..

I love when people say good morning; adding a sprinkle of optimism your way,

I love how I feel right after meticulously applying my lipstick; glam.

I love making teas and coffees for colleagues, knowing it brings them a little comfort during their day,

I love the way the forty-something old guy was carelessly beating his drum in the middle of Victoria square, oblivious to the people scurrying past him on their lunch breaks.

I love looking up at the sky getting lost in the clouds as I feel anxious moments alleviated,

I love the moment a stranger returns a smile, a fleeting moment before we separate ways,

I love turning the key in my front door and being greeted by my crazy canine

I love the moment I’m cosy in my pyjamas, safe and loved in my home.

I love the feeling of a hug that fixes all..

 

Insignificant as they may seem but they’re daily moments I love..                            

  Some say I love too much, but I love the way I love…and I want to love some more!

#2 Train Travels…

I really adore long train journeys; being transported through towns, cities and villages. All the while wondering what their stories are.

Americano In hand, my favourite journal and ‘The power of now’- a guide to spiritual enlightenment and I’m ready to go.

No doubt I’ll read three pages of Eckhart Tolle and get distracted whilst bobbing along to my favourite songs.

I’m all relaxed and pondering whilst gazing out the window. This time of year is particularly pretty, seeing all the trees in their autumnal glory.

Sparkly eyed and feeling appreciative of  the endless fields of cattle grazing, fluorescent yellow rapeseed flowers and fluffy little lambs. Unfortunately I’m then overwhelmed with guilt of enjoying lamb burgers with mint sauce and fries.

The train’s racing against little cars on their winding roads and next we’re flying under bridges and over rivers. I look to my right and there’s a lake glistening in all it’s glory as the sun beams down through the grey clouds.

Just when I’m in awe of the highlands and endless greenery I’m at the next stop…       A city with a castle and birds soaring above.

There are fragments of joy to be found when unplugging and feeling unreachable. I’m in my own undisturbed  little world journaling away with my thoughts.

It’s fun to just breakaway for a week end and  the monotony of routine. It’s important to allow yourself to appreciate new surroundings and explore.

Granted it’s a little more difficult to tap into my little world daily  when rushing for my  routinely 7.57am train, I’m usually suffering with armpits above my 5ft 1 self.

It’s easy to feel a little trapped when rushing around in the rat race, but I feel a sense of free spiritedness when travelling some place new, a  feeling of freedom.

…Now I’m people watching, another hobby I’m pretty great at. I’m hearing different accents from people of all backgrounds, but at this present moment we’re all heading to the same place. All these people from different places are just reminding me how I’m a teeny tiny person in big world  with big dreams.

There’s a little four year old, messy pig tailed and dressed in pink, occasionally she peers over at me scribbling away and shares a little partially toothed smile. And then there’s a guy dressed in his comfies having a solo party with his dre beats, of course he’s completely oblivious of the prosecco fuelled hen party behind him.

We’re all on the same train sharing the same destination with different journeys.

Another three and half hours to go and the grey clouds are slowly disspearing much to my surprise. I’m not complaining however, there’s still so much to see out of this little window.

More greenery, luscious landscapes and an ever changing sky. The sky is always my favourite thing.

Happiness sure is fleeting, so I try and seek it in the smallest of things.

Excuse me for finishing with a slice of super-extra-mature-cathedral-city-cheese, but life really is all about the journey and not the destination.

Tartan scarf at the ready, a heart of excitement and already feeling cold…

Hello Edinburgh, nice to meet you!

#1 Travelling

A few months ago I had the amazing experience of backpacking in South East Asia. Recently I’ve found my mind drifting away, reminiscing on moments of  pure joy and bliss. Whilst laying in a Tree house surrounded by stars and the beautiful sea in Cambodia I felt serenity, peace, and an ecstasy I’m yet to relive upon returning to this fast paced society. I grabbed my journal, and my thoughts wouldn’t stop flowing.

Finding ants in places you shouldn’t,

These bites and bruises make us adventurers

Smiling at little things that make my heart happy

Remembering these small things are the big things

Feeling free, no mirror no make-up

Why can’t beauty be defined as such?

Laughing until our tummies hurt and gazing at endless stars

Cherishing every sunset and every sunrise

Sand in my toes, love in my heart

This is time, but it’s precious time.

Moments of slight fear, averted with humour from an amazing friend

Let it go, all those looming thoughts, it’s the prevailing that count,

It’s all going slowly, just as life should,

Taking it all in, embracing every sound,

From the crashing waves to the cricketing crickets,

Off we may go, back to our crazy minds..

But maybe, just maybe the peace may remain.

It’s too much to share, no photograph, no words can define.

Disconnected in the perfect way,

Samba sounds and serenades from the soul.

Endless trees, faces of smiles

We swam with sparkle, our bodies iridescent

The moon as bright as a beam,

One persons dream come true.

Laying in my hammock with Motown and more thoughts,

I’ve found a meaning with this endless dreaming,

Let me share this paradise of feeling free,

Pause this world a moment at a time..

Love everyone and everything

Love everything and everyone..

Whilst I patiently await the next sunrise.