#11 Smiling through Sleeplessness 

Another sleepless night as the suns was shining a little too bright,

The heat leaves me restless, I’m tossing and turning.

I’m not complaining, I’m just laying. 

One leg hangs off the bed in attempt to keep my cool,

Followed by the breeze between the silhouettes of trees.

My garden skyline, stands gloriously green.

The same trees outside my window which I’ve admired as a little girl,

The same trees I’ve gazed at through snow and make my home, home.

Things aren’t exactly how I wish but I’m practising my gratitude, 

All I have to be grateful for; an overwhelming list. 

It’s twelve fifty three and I think of all those I love, 

resting their heads on their pillows,

resting before another fleeting day,

They’re peacefully laying in their little pockets they call home,

They’re safe, they’re content, 

Their world pauses and I breathe easy. 

My heart is fulfilled and my home is quiet,

All these people that show me love,

All these people that are my world,

Thank you.

#8 Moments to remember 


On Saturday we performed our shows to the company for the first time. We had a full audience! It was finally the moment to present our month of hard work off.

The nerves I felt before were overridden with excitement, I guess because it’s been such a while since I’ve performed I was more excited to get on with it rather than nervous.

It all went so well, we had so many laughs at so many unexpected moments. There were lots of bits improvised that weren’t thought of in rehearsals, but once infront of an audience and feeling the energy it felt perfect.

Nothing could beat the feeling I felt once we finished both shows and took our bows and everyone clapped. I was left full of adrenaline for quite a while and I was shaking with happiness. It’s like I was suddenly dancing with the stars and I felt so alive. I can’t really explain it, apart from knowing I was answering my calling.

Since then we’ve began touring in Northern Germany. I finally feel like I’m proud of myself and I’m remembering to measure all my small successes.

Small successes such as making an audience laugh lots this morning…and knowing that this is the first piece of live theatre for a lot of these children.

One thing I’m realising is how endearing and adorable six year olds can be. 

After the show yesterday the children queued up for our autographs on little cards they had prepared for us. 

A little blonde girl walked up with a grin on her face, however no piece of paper for me to write on. She then brushed her fringe out the way and handed me a green felt tip pen and pointed to her forehead. I said ink isn’t very good to skin so I couldn’t sign her forehead, unfortunately she then threw a tantrum and started crying. 

However, they’re so sweet! Another child told me I had a really pretty voice and the other actor was really sweaty…

There’s a scene in the play where I look out ‘at Sea’ through a telescope and the children are just amazed, they start waving back at me and get excited. 

After a performance I was carrying parts of the set from the stage to load the van and a group of girls were following me back and forth. 

‘Monica (my character) do you have a boyfriend?’

‘Monica what is your favourite colour?’

‘Monica do you like cats or dogs?’

‘Monica do you like Germans?’

‘Monica, do you like unicorns?’

‘Monica, how old are you?’- The question that gets the biggest reaction I’ve come to find. 

One of the girls came and stood beside me, just to identify how much taller she was at a fraction of my age.

I’m loving everything so far and I’m trying to remind myself how lucky I am to be doing this. 

(Especially needed when we have 5am starts!)

6 shows out of 148 done! I’m sitting playing scrabble with a lovely bottle of €2 red wine and couldn’t be any more content. 

#6 Dreamer to believer

It’s freezing, it’s dark and dreary. I may have just walked through the murkiest puddle, missed my train and broken my umbrella… but I don’t care!

My smile is beaming from ear to ear and the spring in my step could bounce me off to Pluto. This….this is the feeling I’ve been chasing, and I’m going to cherish every moment of it.

I auditioned for an exciting theatre company in London last week and I don’t think I’ve ever wanted something so much with every fibre in my body.

Sitting at my desk earlier and my phone rang, it’s an unrecognised number, and the call is located from Germany.

My mind starts racing, my hearts beating like a drum.

“Hi Anita, its Mike. How are you today?”

Frantically, trying to pretend I haven’t been eagerly awaiting his call: “Hi Mike, I’m good thanks..erm..erm how are you?” (Breathe Anita you crazy woman, breathe!)

Softly spoken and calm as ever, Mike goes onto say, “Thank you for auditioning for the company last week, we would like you to join our Germany and France tour.”

“What! Sorry, what! Are you sure, oh my good god! You’ve just made me the happiest girl! This is crazy, are you sure? Me!” (-Ramble ramble, stop rambling Anita!! I’ve never been great at playing things cool).

“Would you like some time to consider the position?”

“Oh my god no, no need to consider! I’m a 110%!This is a dream! Do you know I dreamed about getting this part! Not once, but twice!!”

I’m so cringe, keeping calm has never been my forté. …Dear god, he must think I’m batshit crazy! Although, he was exposed to my ditziness In the audition as I was awful during the warm up games. I couldn’t catch for toffee with my nerves.. He even told me ‘I was a gift’ when I kept forgetting the rules of our first exercise. (Palm face)..

Who’d have thought I would get picked! I hoped and prayed I would, but didn’t believe it would happen. I was up against some unbelievable talent, people that had graduated from accredited fancy drama schools..but they picked me!

Time to treasure this feeling, for its the step I’ve been wishing, waiting and working for.

A month ago I was negative as ever, overwhelmed with self doubt..and now I feel on top of the world. I’m making a promise to myself now, to not unpick it, overthink it or be pessimistic.

After my audition I dreamed twice about joining the company..little did I believe the dream would come true..

Six exciting weeks of family, friends and festivities… and then off to Germany I go!

#5 Sunday

She was a little lost, but that’s the way she liked it

No maps to force her down a path she wasn’t ready to travel.

Open hearted; no thing as too much

Her heart was her compass, her only guide.

It was time to turn her cant’s into cans and her dreams into plans..

She was finally ready to trust that she could find happiness on her own,

To trust the magic of new beginnings..

 

#4 Creative dreams

“The arts are not a way to make a living, they are a very human way of making life more bearable. Practising an art, no matter how well or badly is a way to make your soul grow. For heavens sake, sing in the shower, dance to the radio, tell stories, write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possible can, you will get an enormous reward. You will have created something”.  -Kurt Vonnegut, A Man Without a Country.

I’ve had that quote saved for quite a while as it really resonates with me. Over the past month I’ve made a conscious effort to focus on allowing my creative spark to flourish, and quite honestly It’s left me feeling inspired and alive. It’s been so fulfilling to spend money on experiences that bring me joy, rather than materialistics.

Recently I’ve been to a jazz night, numerous art exhibitions, musicals, spent time singing and joined a theatre company.

When i’ve watched these shows i’ve sat in admiration of the performers giving it their all. You can see they’re doing what they love, and they’re pursuing a life of passion. 

There was a Brazilian guitarist and singer I passed busking one evening, and I don’t think they realised the difference they were making to peoples routinely walks. I saw people taking out their headphones, smiling in full appreciation. I had to double take and stop in my tracks, eagerly awaiting to hear the next verse. My point is, creativity can pass on happiness..

Personally I believe everyone has a creative spark. It just needs to be explored and then cultivated. For me, creativity is a platform for my imagination to run free and evokes feelings of joy. It’s easy to convince yourself there isn’t enough time outside of your 9-5, but an hour isn’t so hard to find.

To be pretty honest, I had been denying myself my path of creativity (performing), I’d unknowingly been caught up living in fear. Something that’s crept up and seamlessly taken up a negative space in mind. However, after reading the Alchemist (and many other hippy self help books) along with a lot of love and support from those closest to me, I’ve finally snapped out of the cycle and I’ve got the courage to pursue what my soul craves. 

Surround yourself with the dreamers and doers, the believers and thinkers, but most of all surround yourself with those who see greatness within you, even when you don’t see it yourself…-Edmund Lee

Who knows where my path will lead me, but since changing my mindset and deciding I’m going to abundantly chase my dreams, all these little things/kind people have been gravitating towards me.

Truly I believe the universe conspires to give you what you wish for once you channel those energies. I’m aware I sound rather fairy like, and of course I’m only at the beginning of my journey. However, I’m realising that patience (my biggest challenge), a positive mindset and persistence are key variables.

Let the journey of dreams and fulfillment begin…(excited face!)

She believed she could, so she did…-R.S. Grey

#1 Travelling

A few months ago I had the amazing experience of backpacking in South East Asia. Recently I’ve found my mind drifting away, reminiscing on moments of  pure joy and bliss. Whilst laying in a Tree house surrounded by stars and the beautiful sea in Cambodia I felt serenity, peace, and an ecstasy I’m yet to relive upon returning to this fast paced society. I grabbed my journal, and my thoughts wouldn’t stop flowing.

Finding ants in places you shouldn’t,

These bites and bruises make us adventurers

Smiling at little things that make my heart happy

Remembering these small things are the big things

Feeling free, no mirror no make-up

Why can’t beauty be defined as such?

Laughing until our tummies hurt and gazing at endless stars

Cherishing every sunset and every sunrise

Sand in my toes, love in my heart

This is time, but it’s precious time.

Moments of slight fear, averted with humour from an amazing friend

Let it go, all those looming thoughts, it’s the prevailing that count,

It’s all going slowly, just as life should,

Taking it all in, embracing every sound,

From the crashing waves to the cricketing crickets,

Off we may go, back to our crazy minds..

But maybe, just maybe the peace may remain.

It’s too much to share, no photograph, no words can define.

Disconnected in the perfect way,

Samba sounds and serenades from the soul.

Endless trees, faces of smiles

We swam with sparkle, our bodies iridescent

The moon as bright as a beam,

One persons dream come true.

Laying in my hammock with Motown and more thoughts,

I’ve found a meaning with this endless dreaming,

Let me share this paradise of feeling free,

Pause this world a moment at a time..

Love everyone and everything

Love everything and everyone..

Whilst I patiently await the next sunrise.